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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.