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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!