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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.