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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.