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The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.