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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
This day needs more yesterday.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.