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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?