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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.