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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem