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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?