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Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?