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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.