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My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.