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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.