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I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.