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Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Word for the day is asstard
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.