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Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?