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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.