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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.