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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Being normal is boring.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"