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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.