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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.