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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.