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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"