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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.