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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Tieam... problem solved
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep