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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.