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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!