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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...