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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
What number SPF blocks people?
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?