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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.