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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.