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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!