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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?