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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.