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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!