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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
It´s never to late to be happy
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.