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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.