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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.