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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Iām going to start telling girls that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.