Mobile App Coming Soon - Daily Silly Status

Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!

I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...