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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.