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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.