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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.