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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man