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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!