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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.