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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".