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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.