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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.