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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session