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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag