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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?