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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?