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I wonder if angry people know about naps?
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.