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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
The only dates I get are updates.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.