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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"