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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
My favorite beer is an open one.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"