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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.