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Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
All milk is breast milk.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Relationship Status: eating
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.